November 4, 2010

Malcolm Tucker’s Guide to Managing Your Public Image (via DoSACFiles)

June 29, 2010
"Look, over the years you’ve poured a lot of your energy into sport and racism and that’s great but the UN is largely made up of African and Asian people and whiteys you’ve humiliated in swimming, cricket and hockey so you don’t have much purchase there. But then you’re a barren rock in the arse-end of nowhere – what do you expect? No one cares about your stance on fusion cooking or the labeling of sunscreen."

Malcolm Tucker's dim view of the importance of Australian politics

May 19, 2010
Malcolm Tucker's best tweets: a roundup

April 24, 2010

April 24, 2010
"I’ve been here before. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. Attack lines on fire in the hand of a Clinton. I’ve watched worm polls dive near Notting Hill Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like piss down the pipehole. But it’s time for “change” to die. It’s time to pop open a party bag of adrenal glands and start munching."

Malcolm Tucker’s election briefing

April 18, 2010
"I was fine with Peter running Spin Alley. You need control. You can’t just have a bunch of cabinet ministers bouncing around the room like bollocks in a tumble drier."

Malcolm Tucker

April 17, 2010
"

I think in the world where the man with the golden tie is doing well we may need to reposition ourselves on some hot button issues. On gays and Europe there has been a residual fear that if we point out too much that the Tories are homophobes and xenophobes we will deliver unto ourselves the liberals and the homos and the people who have three kinds of olive oil, but these may actually be outweighed in this great country of ours by the queer-bashers and closet racists – so our moral stand could leave us marginally worse off. That’s not the kind of moral stand I like. Let’s all stamp on a paedo. That’s my kind of brave crusade.

I’ve looked at the numbers and the maths are difficult to calculate even using Mosaic, but if we look at proxy questions like “Are you relaxed about the introduction of new varieties of breakfast cereal?” (87% of homophobes aren’t) or “Would you agree with the statement that in general the Cox’s Orange Pippin is superior to the avocado pear?” (79% of racists hold this view) compared with the numbers who agree 3-D films are primarily an innovation to drive up cinema revenue (83% liberal), then it does seem that this nation is actually basically decent, so far as we can tell. But only marginally.

"

Malcolm Tucker’s election briefing

April 10, 2010
"Leave Joanna Lumley a-fucking-lone. You don’t tweak the nipples of a national treasure. You do not imply she is anything other than perfect. You might as well suggest dotting the Diana Memorial Fountain with yellow piss cakes and turning it into the People’s Urinal. If Jo-Lum wants to march the contents of the entire Ukrainian paedo register into an area of outstanding national beauty the response is: “Certainly, Ma’am, and could we get a photo with you?”"

Malcolm Tucker

April 10, 2010
"We need to get to the people who only hear the rumours. Bottom feeders who get their views via the quotes from the models in the Daily Star. Van drivers who guard their vast ignorance with concealed Stanley knives. Businessmen who like to expose their self-aggrandising cynicism to schoolgirls on the Thameslink. These dumb motherfuckers are the battlefield. Shitheels. Dunderheads. People who when you talk to them it’s like shouting through six pieces of double glazing. Potheads, cider drinkers, kids who don’t know who Thatcher was and think the NHS grew on a big fucking NHS tree. Wankers. People who count to 11 using their 10 fingers and their head and still get it wrong. This is who we have to get to via the debates. So we are going to have to shout extremely fucking loud."

Malcolm Tucker’s election briefing

April 10, 2010
"Frankly, I think you’re getting the wrong advice on the debates. As you know, people who saw Nixon and Kennedy on TV thought Kennedy won, and those who heard it on the radio thought Nixon won. But, really, we don’t give a flying wad of wet Daily Express about either of these groups. What we need to know is: what about the people who were sitting through JFK-Nixon on the can doodling specs on cartoon-strip pictures of Daffy Duck and making themselves laugh with the sounds of their own farts? Who did they think won? Most people are not going to see these Bestivals of bore. After all, with the 478 debate rules in place they’re going to have all the drama of three middle-aged guys fencing with limp dicks. The only ones watching are going to be the pointless bastards who already know what they think."

Malcolm Tucker